New Ending....

Do you ever experience your post rolling around in your head for a while after you post it?

Well, my last post bothered me...

It ended like this ~

Because of the gracious loving nature of Our Heavenly Father, our children ended up having a wonderful Christmas. God had blessed us with what we needed....

It should have ended like this ~

Because of the gracious loving nature of our Heavenly Father, our children ended up having a wonderful Christmas. God had blessed us not with what we needed, but what I had desired...

The desire of my heart was to give my children more then we could. They didn't NEED more - the only things we NEED, we have ~ our health, our home, food, clothing... 

God honored the desire of my heart which made this all the more special. He didn't need to, He chose to...

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires"  Psalm 37:4 


How grateful I still am.....

God's Christmas Gift....

So as I said, God has blessed us with many wonderful things of late. Not sure of where to exactly start, I'll begin with the latest and move backwards...

I really had no idea how we were going to swing Christmas this year. The end of November brought the painful decision to list our home for a short sell - money was simply scare for anything not necessary. I had $300.00 owed to me for some contracting work I had completed, I thought at least I'd be able to use that money for a few gifts. Then, life threw another curve...

I serve in a leadership position for a national bible study I attend. This year they have a weekend retreat happening and I'm expected to go. The cost is $350.00. The deadline for the payment was December 6th. Boy did I struggle with this one. I had money coming to me that would cover the cost, but what about Christmas, God? Now what was I suppose to use to pay for some gifts? Prior to Thanksgiving I resigned myself to write the check for the retreat when the date came trusting God would work something out. And work it out He did.

I have an annual shopping date the day after Thanksgiving with one of my girlfriends. The purpose really is to spend the time together, if we get great deals and purchase Christmas gifts, it's a bonus. Knowing that I had these plans with my friend, my Mom gave me a check (against my protests) so that I could do some shopping. I did not look at the amount until I returned home - the check was for $300.00. God provided. 

In all honesty, I was still struggling with this amount. I have an eleven and a twelve year old. They are very aware of our financial situation - but they are preteens none the less and their Christmas list was typical of their age. Our family knows very well what this time of year really is about, and we all say out loud how we wish we could get back to focusing on the real reason for the season..... but.... we all know that most everyone around us is sticking to the over spending over indulging idea that Christmas has become, and as a mother, I want my children to be excited and joyful Christmas morning with the rest of their friend. 

Because I'm now working part time, and I was a bit paralyzed with how I was going to make this money stretch and get them gifts under the tree. For the first time in at least five years, come December 17th I still had not purchased one gift. I was a bit stressed to say the least...

The evening of Dec 17th a friend of ours asked my husband if he could have a minute. Rick was running out the door to get to FedEx in time and told him he would come over after he was done. He ran his errand, came home and headed down the street to see what he needed. When he came home a while later, our friend had told my husband that God had laid it on his heart to give us this gift, and he handed Rick some folded up bills and told him to go buy gifts for our kids. God had gifted us through our friend $400.00. I don't think I've shed so many tears of appreciation in one evening. It was a very emotional night to say the least. God had provided...

Because of the gracious loving nature of Our Heavenly Father, our children ended up having a wonderful Christmas. God had blessed us with what we needed....

Merry Christmas.....

I hope to spend a little more time blogging in the New Year...

So many wonderful things have happened the past few weeks - God has showed himself in some pretty amazing ways. Ways that I really should be praising aloud for all to hear...

I pray you all have a wonderful Christmas Day filled with family, laughter, joy and of course, abundant happiness...

Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

It Looks Like....

God has answered our prayers and the lockbox will be removed...

Blessings have come from an unexpected place. I would like to tell the story, but for right now it needs to wait...

Things are a brewing... Hope is stirring.... Renewal is coming.... Happy is in the works....

A Bit Bah Hum Bugish....

Decked the halls today...

Typically I enjoy this. Today, not so much.

I still have to finish the tree and tweak/decorate the garland on the banisters. Not really motivated to do so.

Several reasons for this blah attitude.

We have dear, very much loved, neighbors who have been on a very long journey with cancer this year and are nearing the end of the road. A beloved wife/mother/friend has no other options other then a healing miracle from God. As I pulled out bins and placed decorations in their place, my friends are in their home with hospice care and prayers for longevity of life without pain.

Then there's the sadness that this may be our last Christmas in this home. We have some options that could keep us here, but we need to make the right choice, and I'm not sure if staying here really is the right choice. 

So, not really any Christmas jolly today. Just decorating...

I thought I'd change my back round to something cheerful, thinking that may help. More frustration with blogger not allowing me to change my design settings... hm... I suppose that's a small inconvenience in the scheme of things...

Now on to my next favorite chore... what to have for dinner....

A Day Not To Remember....

Lock box on, property up for short sale, conversation with kids that we may have to move...

Happy no where to be found today...

I believe God can still pull out a miracle...

I pray He does...

"I Want My Happy Back"....

I happened to hear these words muttered by a reality housewife recently while I was flipping through the channels....

These words hit me to the core...

I want MY happy back....

These past two years have been such a trial. Financially and emotionally. We have drained our long term savings, we are in debt way over our heads and then some, and unless God provides a miracle VERY soon, we'll lose our home. There hasn't been much happiness...

There has been gratitude. Thankfulness for our health, for the way God has provided for our needs through our friends and family. For cars that continue to run even though there are far more miles then should be on them. For our children - they are great kids, get great grades and do very well in their sport of choice. I'm grateful that God provided me a job that creates a small income and works with my kids schedule. Grateful that our marriage is strong despite the stress.

But happiness... that's been elusive... Yes, of course, there have been happy moments, laughter does still exists in our home, but if you were to ask me to describe myself, happy would not be included. It use to be and I believe one day it will again, but for the last two years my happy has been missing. 

I know that someday we will finally make it out of this valley God has us traveling through. I struggle, actually I agonize, with the "cost" this journey is causing us, but I know He will bring us out. He gently spoke to me through Deuteronomy 8..... "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness....humbling you and testing you to prove your character and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands" v8:2  I know there is a bigger purpose behind this time of testing. I truly believe He has something beyond what we can conceive at this moment planned for us "He did it so you would never think that it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy" v8:17.

Wealth will not bring back my happy... But having a consistent income to pay off our debts, to not worry about things breaking down, knowing we can pay for the roof over our head, the clothes on our bodies, the food in our pantry.... Having an income to pay for healthy teeth and medical check ups, haircuts and gas in our vehicles. Not having to hear constant heavy sighs or saying my daily prayers fighting back tears....  Happy will creep back in when these things start happening....

And in God's timing, I know they will....

And It Isn't Even January 1st....

Goal setting - it's been the talk of my Pastor of late.

I'm typically not goal orientated. I tend to not think past the current minute, hour, day. Setting goals for the future seems so foreign - but I've decided that I need to start setting them in all areas of my life. I plan to buy a journal and section it out in categories - family, home, personal, spiritual, financial....

I suppose my first goal is to actually go out and get the journal!!!!!

Today, this blog will become my journal page for the first set of goals I'm setting - personal health goals.

For the last two years I have been in the best shape I have ever been in. I had joined a gym and four to five mornings a week I worked out. I took two spin classes and three body sculpting classes a week and could actually see muscle definition in my shoulders, back, arms and legs. I felt powerful, in control of my body, and healthy both physically and mentally.

Then two months ago everything changed...

Because of the financial situation we are in, I could no longer justify not working. God blessed me with a perfect part time job that allows me to see my kids off in the morning, and be here when they get home from school. This change took away my morning work out routine, and for the past two months I have done nothing.

Physically and mentally it's starting to take its toll....

So, starting tomorrow (of course tomorrow, you never start the day you decide!!!), here are the changes I plan to make in my life...

1. Eat some sort of breakfast. I never do this. My morning meal is coffee, which typically sustains me till about 1:00, when I eat lunch. But when 3:00 hits, I start grazing until dinner, and I want to stop that. I know if I fuel my body in the morning and afternoon I can control this.

2. Start exercising again. I want to get back to at least four days a week doing at least a half hour cardio and some strength training. I have not canceled my gym membership yet - I either need to use it or lose it. There really is no reason I can't exercise outside and use my hand weights.

3. Think about everything I put into my mouth. The past week I've been downing way too many carbs and sugars. Some of this has been hormonal eating, but it's also been emotional eating. I've been having a pity party with chips and ice cream!!

4. Drink more water. I'm horrible at this and my body often reminds me of how dehydrated I am with painful leg cramps!

5. Eat more veggies. More specifically salads. I love salads, but I hate making them. I want to try and have some sort of salad, even be it a simple greens only, every night with our meal.

6. Focus on making all these changes because it's better for me, not because I want to look better. I know the better I take care of my body, the better it will be to me.

I need to figure out what I can eat for breakfast that's fast and needs minimal prep time - this goal will be my toughest. Any suggestions is well appreciated!!!!!

Wasn't It Enough....

The cross....

Jesus died upon it...

He took the weight of our sins upon himself, became the last sacrificial offering and tore the curtain that once separated us from the Holiness of God.

I have always gazed upon the cross and visualized Jesus suffering from my sins - until last night, when He helped me to see the cross in a new way.

For way too long I've been in a wrestling match with God. I know God desires for me to put the past and all it entails emotionally, financially, relationally behind me. To forgive, move forwarded and allow Him to deal how He desires with all involved. I know He wants me to "nail it to the cross" and be done with it. But me in all my human nature finds ever reason why I should hang on to the bitterness, the anger, the hurt. I can easily find scripture to justify my feelings and desires. But....

Scripture also tells me to forgive....

Holding on to this unwillingness to forgive is a sin. So, I battle with Christ. I use the argument of - you do not forgive us till we ask for forgiveness, confessing our sin. Why should I forgive others who are not willing to confess, nor even think their actions are in need of forgiveness?

Well.... 

I'm suppose to because you tell us to. 

Ah shucks....

So back to the cross. Yes, He suffered from my sins while He was nailed to that cross. I know and I confess that I am wrong in holding on to this sin that doesn't allow me to forgive. I pray daily to lose the foothold that evil has in my life where this situation is concerned. And truth be told I have often been frustrated with God that he doesn't just remove it from my emotional tank - because I know with a snap of His finger it wouldn't bother me anymore. But God does things in God's way, and He had been waiting to show me the cross in a new light.

Jesus did not just take the pain of my sins upon himself on the cross, He also took the pain of the sins against me. How wrong am I to justify holding on to the pain to validate the wrongness of the actions, when Jesus suffered from them much more then I ever will. As I beg and plead to have the chains of resentment broken in my life and then turn around to securely grasp them in my hands once more as a memory of the past runs through my thoughts, Jesus must be thinking:

Isn't what I did on the Cross enough?

Wasn't the pain I took on your behalf enough?

Why wont you stare at that cross knowing I took this injustice upon myself  FOR YOU so you wouldn't have to take it upon yourself?

I will never look at the cross in the same way...

My Hats Off To You....

Since I'm quick to point out the negative, let me state a positive....

Those boys at Tieman's finally updated their website. Gone is the "Our Causes" portion (I wrote about that here)...

Gone are bogus addresses and retailers that don't carry their coffee....

My hats off to you for finally updating your site and giving out valid information....

Now, since David stated in an email to my husband recently that, and I quote, "money has been just enough that I'm not filling out job applications yet" - wouldn't it be nice if he actually used some of that money towards paying off the buy out for the company that's paying his bills, as well as other financial obligations to vendors we get letters from?

Oh what a happy day that would be for many...

My Theme Song For The Moment....

Overwhelmed....

Simply....

Completely....

Overwhelmed....

Just What Can He Be Planning....

I really don't know how God will use all this for good....

But He does promise to do so...

Best Intentions....

Ok, so we all know I resolved myself to live on the right side of the comma. So how am I doing?

Not so good....

I've taken such a dive that not only am I living on the wrong side of the comma, I'm not even on the page any longer. I REALLY want to pull myself up by my boot straps (ok, in my reality it would be flip flop straps) but my "friend" - aka fear - just wont leave town. It seems to have taken up residency and is refusing to be evicted. It has staked its claim in my life and wont budge. It's simply refusing my one way ticket to anywhere but my life....

I know God tells me not to fear. I have a big sign posted on my board in front of my computer that states "don't be afraid, just believe..." I know that if God is for me, who can be against me. The bible tells me not to lose heart. That these are only momentary troubles. That God will never abandon me. He will never forsake me. He will keep me safe. That He is close by my side...

But truth be told, I just don't FEEL it - I KNOW it, it's in the bible and I BELIEVE it, but I just don't feel it....

I'm disappointed in myself that I can't manage to have an unwavering faith - all has started to fall apart, and so have I. Actually, everything has been unraveling for a while, and I have been dealing with it by living in the life of pretend. I've been pretending everythings ok (God will provide), pretending I'm not bitter and angry (God is close to the broken hearted), pretending to believe God is in control (the Lord has his way - He directs our steps), pretending to believe it's all going to work out (God works all things for good) - I've been trying to "fake it till you make it"....

But the damn has broken, I can't fake it anymore, I can't pretend I believe it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe God and His Holy word, but I'm really finding them hard to grasp as truth for my life at the moment. I've prayed, I've begged, I've pleaded - for help, wisdom, guidance - deliverance - from this trial that just keeps going and I end every day beaten down, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and oh so fearful.

Thankfully the bible states if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains because I have one hell of a mountain to move and very little faith to do it with. I will not stop trying to get fear out of my life. I know in my heart it's Satan dancing on every vulnerable emotional string I have - playing this sad little tune of how God has tossed me aside and that my family's life is headed to utter destruction. I know my God is bigger then my problems, in a breath he can change all things and create miracles to make everything better, but Satan keeps whispering "then why hasn't he?" and I keep asking the same.

I MUST figure out how to get rid of the fear...

What Side of The Comma....

Do you live on?

This is the question our Pastor asked us last night... And admittedly, I've been living on the wrong side for way too long...

The verse he was basing this question on is 2Corthinthians 4:8-9

"We are hard pressed, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."

The left side of the comma is living a life of fear, the right side, a life of trust....

Fear has been my constant friend for months, and unfortunately I've allowed that "friend" to overtake my life. I have given it full reign to control my thoughts and emotions as it desires. I start each day with good intentions, praying to be filled with the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) only to allow a phone call, or a bill, or even someone else's good fortune to quickly squash any hope of a positive day and instantly send me into the swirling emotions of anger, bitterness and hopelessness.

Last night we were given a few definitions of the word trust, one of them being "to lean the weight of your soul on the faithfulness, reliability, integrity or friendship of another person." This says it all, why I am so bitter. We leaned not only the weight of our soul, but everything we own, against someone we thought was trustworthy. We were lied to, we were cheated, we were plotted against - we were betrayed... I want to justify the bitterness by claiming it comes from a "righteous" anger - don't I have every right to be angry and pray for the destruction of my enemies as David did all through the book of Psalms?

But....

I know that God tells me to let it go... to trust Him... He has a plan, one that I can't even comprehend right now... I put my trust at one time in the wrong person, now I need to trust in the ONLY person trustworthy...

So, as I said, I have been living on the fear side of the comma - every day I feel hard pressed, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. Financially we are in a place I never in a million years would have EVER thought we'd be in, but I'm finished, I'm done, I will not live on this side any longer...

We are not crushed
God WILL use ALL things for good (Romans 8:28)
We are not in despair
"In God I trust, I will not be afraid" Psalm 56:11
We are not abandoned
"Don't be afraid or discourage, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." 1chronicles 28:20
We are not destroyed
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

THIS is the side of the comma I will choose to live on - the trust side... Admittedly, there will be days this wont be easy to do, but I will hold on to the promises of the bible. I will lean the weight of my soul on the Lord, knowing full well I can rely on His faithfulness, reliability, integrity, friendship....

"In you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed" Psalm 57:1

My Daily Reminder....

Better to be poor and honest than rich and dishonest. Proverbs 19:1 (LB)

God doesn't bless dishonesty. Proverbs 16:11 says, "The Lord demands fairness in every business deal." (LB) If you want God's blessing on your finances, you've got to be honest. You can't rip people off.

Sometimes the pressure to get ahead -- or just the pressure to keep up -- is so overwhelming that we, even as believers, are often tempted to compromise our ethics. Maybe we do a little shading of the truth in order to make a buck. Maybe we overvalue something or maybe we just don't tell somebody what's wrong with it when we're selling it to them.

We just don't tell the truth in a situation. Why? Because the draw to make a buck is so intense in our lives.

The decision to do what is right and trust God is not a once-for-all decision. It is a daily moment-by-moment decision. But God has said that he will meet your needs if you maintain your integrity

*Taken from Daily Hope with Rick Warren

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah....

They're gonna get you...

What is a lie? Well, the dictionary tells us a lie is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. We often try to deceive ourselves by calling our lies fibs, white lies or exaggerations. But truth be told, if it isn't the whole truth... it's a lie.

It seems we learn this trait early on in life. How many of us have asked our little innocent toddlers "did you do this?" to receive a very quick "no" when we know otherwise. All mother's and father's alike have heard the inevitable "I don't know" "it wasn't me" "I don't remember" knowing full well that their precious little angle is LYING!!!!

So, if we know it is wrong, why do we lie? We typically do it to to keep ourselves out of trouble. Often we are fearful of the consequences - possible punishment, embarrassment, we don't want to lose face, seem incompetent, or have someone angry with us. Sadly, there are some who lie to manipulate people. But what it all boils down to is this - liars lie to protect themselves.

When my children were very young I told them I would instantly know if they lied because a red dot would appear on their forehead (ok, I know, hypocritical of me to actually LIE to my children about lying - but hey, it worked). Sure enough, a lie would come out, and a hand would slap on top of that forehead!! Eventually that stopped working but with maturity came the willingness to fess up.... most of the time...

I believe that the majority of parents out their in the world work hard to teach their children what is right, and what is wrong. Lying is obviously wrong, but I have to wonder why is it that some people just don't REALLY grasp this? They live their lives building a house of cards, one lie on top of the other, but don't they grasp that it's only a matter of time before an unstable structure such as that will come toppling down??!!

OJ is a great example. He got away with murder, literally, and I believe he actually believes his lies. He has justified, in his mind, why what he did wasn't "murder", he has somehow convinced himself HE was wronged and it was justified. But his house of cards eventually came down on top of him, didn't it? He may have lied his way out it for a period, but eventually his words could no longer save him.

I read the following and boy did it ring the truth bell for me "Lying is not only an anti-social behavior, liars often become anti-social themselves. If they hang around people they’ve lied to, they begin to dislike those people. They may even blame them for their problems. It's no wonder that lies can ruin work relationships, marriages and friendships. If you’re caught in a lie, your credibility drops to zero." Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding... Boy have I been duped by someone like this....

So very simply put - the truth always sets one free. And isn't having a life being labeled as an honest person much better then being known as a liar?

The War Raging Within....

I want to do the "right" thing, but right now I'm struggling. I feel like I have the age ol' God on one shoulder, Satan on the other. Satan is whispering, like he did to Eve, "go ahead, think of all the power you will feel" and God loving reminds me "Wise people don't make a show of their knowledge..." Prov 12:23.

I feel God is silent in many areas of my life right now, but he's speaking to me loud and clear within this struggle that I'm dealing with. In scripture last night he reminded me "No real harm befalls the godly but the wicked have their fill of trouble" Prov 12:21 as well as Prov 12:22 "The Lord hates those who don't keep their word, but delights in those who do". God knew I would be dealing with this desire, and knew that these scriptures would speak to my soul... but still.... Satan is perched, not ready to leave my shoulder yet... "Go ahead, it's deserved, you have every right".....

"So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?" Luke 6:46 - this is the scripture I read this morning. I have the choice, I can follow my desire, my will, what the "world" tells me is the "right" thing to do, or I can follow what God keeps telling me, "Vengeance is mine..." Heb 10:30.

Wouldn't it be nice If I could just easily flick Satan off my shoulder?

Happy Fourth of July....

44 Years....

And still counting...

Happy Birthday to me!!

A Little Song About Prayer.....

I stumbled onto a new site recently, My Cinderella Story. I feel a bit of a kindred spirit with her posts....

What really made me laugh was this post and since I can't figure out how to post a youtube video, you'll have to link to it...

This made me laugh so hard, and honestly, has some truth to the way I wish I could sometimes pray!!!!

Enjoy!!

Oh You Of Little Faith....

I'm convinced that is what Jesus is thinking of me at this very moment...

In the midst of a storm, Peter stepped out of his boat, in faith, to walk toward Jesus - on top of water - with waves and wind all around him... Peter was successful in his walk until he took his eyes off of Jesus. Suddenly Peter became very aware of the high waves and strong wind, and he pushed aside Jesus' power to sustain him and succumbed to his own inadequacies to try and keep himself afloat. Fear took over and he began to sink.

I have a little mantra when times get tough - don't be Peter, keep your eyes on Jesus, don't be Peter, keep your eyes on the Lord, don't be Peter, the waves wont get me, don't be Peter, keep your eyes on Jesus.... Over and over it is repeated.... but right now I feel like the waves are way too high overhead and I'm straining to not be like Peter, to keep my focus forward, but the waves and the wind are raging and fear is taking over...

I believe the bible is God breathed, inspired by the Lord God Almighty and that every word is true. I don't claim to understand it all, but by faith I believe it all. The bible holds many promises for my life. God promises to sustain me "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4. He promises to feed me, just as he does the birds (Mt 6:26), he promises to clothe me, just as he does the grass of the fields (Mt 6:30), His promises go on and on. And thus far he has upheld what he promises, we are fed, we are clothed, and I am holding on in faith (which I believe I am only able to do because of His power).

However, I am disappointed that no where in scripture does He promise to pay my mortgage, to ensure I can pay my health insurance, or that He will pave an easy road to pay for utilities and the kid's constant need of money for something required at school or sports. I realize that everything I have does not belong to me, its just on loan from the Lord. I admit I'm still struggling with accepting this - He gives, He can take away - I need to trust that His plans for me are way better then I could ever imagine "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope" Jer 29:11, but right now this plan does not feel too good. Or make any sense.

So back to Peter. He began to sink and he cried out, "Lord save me!" The bible tells us IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out to him. Jesus didn't just stand there and let him sink a little more into the cold unfriendly water to learn a lesson, He didn't let him sink under a few times to really get the point, He didn't reach out his hand only to quickly pull it back and then thrust if forward again in some kind of cat and mouse game that had Jesus in stitches and Peter a bit frustrated. No, Peter called out for help and Jesus immediately reached for him.

I know that every time I call out to him, Jesus extends his hand to me - immediately. I know that He see's my struggles, I know that He knows my pain and my fears. I know He hears my prayers. Now, more then ever, I need to trust in what I know. Because I know that just as Jesus extended his hand out to Peter and exclaimed "You of little faith, why did you doubt?", He is wondering the same of me....

God Spoke To Me Today....

Through the mouth of a four year old...

My house has always been my safe place. I love that we received the keys to our new home the day before our wedding. I love that it is the only home my children have known thus far. I love our neighbors and how we've all been fortunate enough to start our families together and strive to raise them with the same morals and values. I love that a few years back we took our living room back from the kids and it has turned into a wonderful "grown up" room instead of the kids play area. I love that in between these walls we have loved, laughed, argued, nurtured, entertained - lived life - over the past 13 years.

I love my home....

Until recently....

I find when I'm inside these walls I become impatient, fearful, angry, resentful. I hear water running and think about a water bill. I hear the heat come on in the early mornings and think about an electric bill. I'm so fearful of losing our home, and yet I can't rest easy inside of it right now. I find it so ironic that I'm so afraid of losing it, yet it's the last thing I want to take care of - I kind of shut down when I'm here.

I wake every morning asking God to give me wisdom regarding our situation and to give me peace and acceptance regarding our circumstances. I know God is in control, and I am waiting for His deliverance (although not very patiently as of late). I'm trying, really hard, to become ok with letting my house go if it comes down to that - but so far I haven't got there. I so desire to hear God's voice... clearly.... knowing without a doubt it was him... telling me it's all going to be ok.

As I was leaving a friend today, her four year old son was yelling his good byes across the parking lot to me. At the last moment, he turned one last time and shouted "Oh, and enjoy your home"......

God spoke to me today through that little boy's sweet voice....

A Few Pet Peeves....

In random order....

Open mouth chewers - I don't want to hear you eat or see your food while you do...

Not returning your shopping cart - come on people, most of the time the return stall is a few small steps away. This drives me COMPLETELY bonkers...

People who decide they don't want an item and leave it some random place in the store - Really?!? You just really can't go back to the area and return it to its proper place?!? At the very least, hold on to it and tell the checker you changed your mind...

Not replacing an empty toilet paper roll - so not nice, and lazy to boot...

More to come....

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say......

Don't say it at all.....

That's what we teach our kids, right? I've been pretty quiet of late -- well --because -- all the topics in which I desire to write about aren't -- yes, you guessed it -- nice....

And actually, there's really only one topic I desire to spew about, and that would be, yes, the ex partner - David Tieman from Tieman's Fusion Coffee....

Here's my deal: In good faith we formed a partnership. In good faith we lent him money to pay his personal bills. In good faith we extended WAY too much money into the company. In good faith we agreed to a buy out. And here we sit, eight months later, with not even a cent nor a peep from him, his law firm, or anyone else associated with him.

The irony of it all is -- we have not been part of this company for the past 11 months, yet we are the only one paying the debt for it. In good faith we believed, since he was so adamant about buying the company, that he would honor his agreement. But men with NO honor don't care about holding up their agreements.

We are in such a financial straight jacket at the moment. Actually, more like a financial guillotine, and we're frantically trying to prevent someone from pulling the lever that ends it all. It's hard not to funnel the focus, and so much anger, on the one with whom we feel caused all of this. Yes, we went WAY too far out on a limb, we should have never extended ourselves the way we did - we acknowledge so and take responsibility for our part of where we find ourselves right now, but we did it all... In good faith...

12 Years Ago....

This child came into our lives....

He's so darn smart, one of the funniest people I know, so compassionate and deeply emotional

but....

the future scares me with this one.....

Thank goodness it was only crazy hair day!


This is his creativity with rings

Born to be bad.... or so he thinks
Happy Birthday Little Man - You make us so very proud!!

So....

Will you be watching the Oscars tonight?

Although one would think I would be into that, I'm not....

I'll just cruise the internet tomorrow and watch a few of the celebrity news shows to see who wore what and to hear if there were any show stopping moments that happened.

Instead, I'll be finishing my bible study that I need done for tomorrow....

Dear God - Part 2....

Can her five minutes of fame PLEASE be over......

Dear God....

Cancer sucks....

Quiet frankly, I'm tired of praying for miracles.... which then often turns into prayers of peace and comfort....

I'm tired of holding my breath when a caringbridge update comes through, hoping the 12 year old it talks about has counts that allows him to have chemo. Or finding out that the friend who complained for three years to her doctor about severe back pain had pancreatic cancer, and six months after the diagnosis was gone.

I'm fearful for my neighbor who just found out she has cancer. The same kind that took her step father within four months of being diagnosed.

You are our creator - you hold all things in your hands - you can eradicate this - WHY DON"T YOU??!!

Yes, along with the painful, I have rejoiced with the healed. I praise you Lord for healing my mother who has for the last 13 years been cancer free. I praise you for little Faith, who at 3 fought the good fight and won. But I miss my best friend who at 33 was taken from me.

Please, please, please, I beg you, Lord, allow us to find a cure... soon.... so very soon....

Dear Muddy Runner....

Thank you for this post (i think)...

Now I can't go to the bathroom without looking at my urine and thinking - Darn, I NEED to drink more water.....

:)

I Am What I Am....

Hello, my name is Dawn, and I'm a celebrity-aholic....

I hate to admit it.... I really wish I wasn't.... But I am one of those people who scans every headline on all the celeb mags while standing in line. I have a few websites I like to look at as often as I can. I love watching the celebrity news shows.... Unfortunately I can tell you more about whats going on in the latest celeb gossip then I can with what my kids were required to do that day for homework (thank goodness they are A students)!!

I will blame it on my childhood desire to be the next super star. I was certain I was bound for fame. I was going to be the newest Mouseketeer, or the new best friend of Half Pint on Little House on the Prairie. Or, even better yet, the new love interest for David Partridge on the Partridge Family!! Did I take acting classes, no... Did I have an agent, ah, no again... I guess I thought I would be plucked out of obscurity and cast into instant fame and notoriety - the classic unknown to stardom story.

Now, I hate to admit this, but for some unknown reason, I had convinced myself as a young child that hidden in the overhead light of our car was a mic and camera. I would make sure every time we went somewhere I looked my "star" best and I sang all the songs on the radio "star" perfectly. I would even glance up at that light and give it my best celebrity look. Alas, it was only the imaginative thinking of a wishful youth - no one ever came a knocking telling me I was bound for fame.

In my teen years I was convinced that if I could only meet Leif Garrett or Shaun Cassidy they would instantly fall in love and I would be their wife immediately. All it would take was just a glance and I would have their hearts forever. Much to my dismay, a chance encounter was never in the cards.

As the years continued to roll on, I left behind the notion of becoming or marrying a star, and just became plain star struck. Living in Southern California chance encounters can happen - often. I've seen "stars" at airports, shopping centers, restaurants, walking down the street, coming into a night club, even sitting outside a seedy bar in the early afternoon. I use to play "star sighting" with a close friend of mine. Anytime we saw someone, we would excitedly call and leave each other a message.

So, what is it about celebrities that's so appealing to me? I like the whole facade of it all - the fantasy land that I believe they live in. They seem to have it all, money, looks -- how can they possibly have any problems what so ever when the world is bending over backwards to give them everything. I mean, seriously, don't you look at Brad and Angelina and wonder what possibly could not be perfect with those two beautifully perfect people?? Do you really think they fart in front of each other, or quiet honestly even fart at all? I'm sure they never pick their nose, or chew with their mouth open, burp, have diarrhea, heck, I bet they don't have any offensive bodily functions at all. Maybe God created all who are destined to fame as a super race that genetically do not function as us mere mortals do....

I sincerely apologize to each and every one of you that I am part of the reason why celebrities are over paid and over hyped in our society. I know my fondness for the good, the bad and the ugly of stardom keeps the ball spinning and the ego's growing. I need to start a 12 step program and rid myself of the desire to consume all things celebrity related -- I suppose admitting I have a problem is the first step!

Oh, and, for the record, one glance would not have done the trick with Shaun Cassidy. Many many years ago I was having dinner at the House of Blues in Hollywood and wouldn't you know it, but Shaun was there having dinner celebrating his daughter's birthday with a bunch of young girls. Fate had stepped in, my opportunity was there, it was my moment to shine. I walked past his table, he glanced my way, I smile........

And he could have cared less..... Oh well.....

Maybe....

I'll just have a blog with an ever changing background....

Who needs words, you can just check in to see what my lay out for the day is!!!!

Or not.... :)

Happy V Day Everyone!!!!

A BIG Thank You......

Now that I have all that off my chest, I can wipe my hands of it and move forward....

Thank you all for following my saga and your encouraging words.

Just a last tidbit - David owes us a pretty decent chunk of money. Since he is in default, we have a judgment that allows us to put a lien against him anytime during the next four years, and it will remain active if not paid for twenty. We haven't pursued it yet, cause basically, we do not have the money to do so. But all in good time....

Now, onward to bigger and better topics.....

David Tieman and Tiemans Fusion Coffee....

Do you think Jesus hated Judas?

Part of what I'm struggling with now is - forgive me, I know this is a strong word - hate. As a christian we are not asked, nor is it suggested, its not even up for debate, we are commanded to love. 1John 4:21 "And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

I know Jesus understands completely what I'm going through. Jesus was betrayed by someone he called brother, Judas was part of his inner circle.

Rick's relationship with David in the beginning was solid - they were connected at the hip, on the same page, on the phone almost every hour. From June until a conversation that took place in December, they were tight. In December Rick informed David we could no longer help him out financially, we had personally given David over that six month period thirty thousand dollars. I am not exaggerating when I say this, from that very point David did a 180. He became a completely different person, and his loyalty disappeared. The bible tells us that Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty coins - for us the betrayal began once we stopped at thirty coins. At this point David was no longer bound to Rick, but to the next two people who could help him out with his personal finances. We believe David began accepting money from two others, and from that point on, just as Judas did, he watched for any opportunity to betray my husband.

Who are these two other people you may ask. Rick and David had two outside independent sales contractors. One was a friend of my husband (lets refer to him as JS), the other was a woman my husband's friend was associated with. From the get go my husband did not trust this woman. From the get go we nicknamed her the Serpent, we knew she was bad news and nothing good was going to come from her. There were two different occasions that confirmed our belief they were providing David with money - the Serpent asked my husband for money because - in her words - she had lent money to David (who was out of town) and needed a check to cover an expense. When my husband questioned a check that David had wrote to JS, which on the memo said it was for commission but was too much money for it to be only for commission, David told my husband he had borrowed money from JS. So how much money did they put in his pocket, we don't know, but be it $50 or $5,000 David had now become indebted and loyal to JS and the Serpent. Loyalty to my husband as his partner had ceased, it was now all about "his team".

There is no doubt that Judas had a love for money. He betrayed for money. He also chastised Mary over an act of love and worship to Jesus because he deemed her gift a waste, stating the money could have been used to help the poor. John 12:6 states "he did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it."

***If you take a gander at the Tiemans webside in the About tab there is the "Our Causes" section. They state, and I quote, "For every cup, can or pack sold, we give a piece back to these organizations" and they say they provide, and I quote, "We give 5% of our profits to these groups". First of all, the second group listed, growthecure.org is not even an organization. This is just an idea of David's, if you click on the website you will see there isn't even a website... As for awaytohelp.org - absolutely valid, an awesome organization, however, the only monies ever given to them was when my husband was still a part of the company. My educated guess is, there is no money being donated to any "causes", but it sure looks good on the About page doesn't it? And if the money is being funneled into growthecure, well, we know who's pocket that funnels to, don't we?

At the end of Judas' story we find out "he was seized with remorse" and tried to give back the 30 coins stating "I have sinned, for I have betrayed innocent blood" Matthew 27:3-4. Somehow I don't think this is how our story will end, unfortunately I fear Proverbs 37:21 "the wicked borrow and never repay..". Judas also hung himself. Now of course I do not wish for any harm, I do not hate him that much, but a verse that God gave to me on July 26, 2009 sticks with me "People with integrity have firm footing, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall" Proverbs 10:9.

So, do I really think Jesus hated Judas. Not at all. I believe that Jesus must have grieved considerably knowing that Judas - his brother - allowed his desires to place him in a position where Satan could manipulate him. I believe David allowed the Serpent to manipulate him, I believe David enjoys the praises of man over the praises of God, and I believe that David chooses to stay in the darkness convincing himself he is not the one who sinned. But that is just my belief. "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward everyone according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve." Jeremiah 17:10

I am praying for God's strength to instill in me a forgiving heart. I am working on getting "rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" Ephesians 4:31-32.

Through God's strength I believe someday I'll get there.....


** Update: About 9 months after this posting, Tieman's finally removed their "Causes" portion on their website.  To date, David Tieman is 15 month delinquent on paying for the purchase of the company. 

**Update Update: It has now been 2 years since David Tieman of Tiemans Fusion Coffee was to pay us for our half of the company. We have not received a dime... The only words we have received from him was that he was making enough money from coffee that he had not needed to get a job. How nice....

*** Update Update Update: On September 17th 2011 David made it official that he never intends to pay for our half of the company. He filed for personal bankruptcy.  So it appears I was right ~ Proverbs 37:21...

2009.... July....

Are you wondering what could have possibly taken place now??!! The very next day after the mediation, the judge called our lawyer, ironically while my husband was on the phone with her. He told her in all his years he had never seen anything like what transpired the day prior - you go to mediation to avoid a lawsuit, not to serve one. He asked if he could give it another shot and try and mediate a settlement. Why would we disagree.

Over the next several weeks, and way too many thousands of dollars later we came to a buy out agreement. David Tieman agreed to pay us within 45 days of signing.

He is now six months past due on his fiduciary obligation.

We have not seen a dime.

2009.... Mediation....

Luckily my kids and I were in Colorado the weeks leading up to and on the day of mediation, so my husband was able to concentrate on getting his stuff together, and the kids and I were occupied and away from all the stress. My girlfriend and I did some retail therapy to try and keep my mind off of what was going on at home, it seemed like eternity before I finally heard from my husband.

I finally received a phone call - everything was going great. David Tieman had told the judge that there was no way he wanted to stay in business with my husband and wanted to buy us out. Awesome - great news. They were on a lunch break, David's lawyer was getting paperwork drawn up, we were well on our way to parting ways, all was looking up, this nightmare was going to be over... Or so we thought....

A little more insight into the character of David Tieman. This mediation was set up so that Rick and his lawyer were in one room, David Tieman and and his lawyer were in another, and the judge bounced in between the two rooms. The two rooms that my husband and David Tieman were in happen to be across from each other and happened to be glass. Because my husband had nothing to hide from, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear, he sat looking right at David's room. David Tieman on the other hand, sat with his back to my husband's room. Coward - plain and simple.

Anyway.... hours pass and I have not heard another word from my husband. It's about 6pm California time so I'm wondering why he hasn't called me or returned my calls. When I finally get a hold of him it was obvious all was not well. As typical with David Tieman, key points to the buy out that were agreed upon prior to lunch where then changed to something completely different when they came back from lunch. When my husband and his lawyer disagreed with what came back, and the judge agreed that they were not the original terms, the judge went to speak with David Tieman and his legal counsel. David's lawyer then walked into my husband's room, slammed paperwork down on the desk and announced that he had been served. David Tieman, three weeks prior to our mediation, had already filed a lawsuit against not only Rick, but against me as well. Because, well, fighting two lawsuits cost twice as much.

And this is my favorite part - David Tieman walked out of his room practically walking side ways to avoid any and all possibility of having eye contact with my husband - and trust me, Rick was trying with all his might to make eye contact.

Coward.... Plain and simple....

2009.... And The Saga Continues....

Alrighty, lets march forward with the story....

March, April and May..... Oh my my!!

Obviously trust became a HUGE issue, but as I stated, we were too far invested in this dream and my husband felt it was still possible to get things under control. The problem we didn't really comprehend at that time is, "things" weren't out of control, people were.

Because it would take me forever to fill in all the gaps, and because I don't want to bore you, I'll just say that everything continued to slide downhill. It would have its moments of looking promising, but then lack of character and lack of integrity would prove that things were not changing.

Fast forward to Memorial Day, 2009. This would be the last day my husband would have an actual conversation with his partner David Tieman....

Now, for the sake of "the other side of the story", truth be told, by this time David Tieman had come to really dislike my husband. I would take a gander that if you talked to him he would tell you that my husband is selfish and has anger issues. If not agreeing with or to everything your partner desires is selfish, if running a company with integrity and efficiently is selfish, then yes my husband is selfish. If getting frustrated with someone who can not be told he's incorrect, who does not like to be questioned about his actions, who makes decisions based on what he wants not what is right or best for the company, then yes, my husband was easily angered. Not to mention we had everything financially on the line. We were investing our funds into this company, we had everything monetary to lose.

Back to Memorial Day.... Tiemans Fusion Coffee was at an outside event serving coffee. I believe the straw that broke the camel's back occurred that day. My husband questioned David Tieman on a purchase that he had made and as I stated David Tieman does not like being questioned. I also believe at this point it had become David's opinion that he was ranked the superior partner who had the only right to make any and every decision - period. They worked the event, went their separate ways, and then all communication from him stopped. During that week we did receive a text message from him stating that he was sick, but he would not answer a phone call or email message.

During the next several weeks, and still no communication with my husband, David Tieman started draining the company bank account. Once again, a substantial amount of the money was written to himself.

Finally we receive a phone call....

To meet him at his lawyer's office. We lawyer up, and a mediation date is set for July.....

To be continued....

A Little Additional Info.....

Before I continue with the rest of '09, I want to give you a little bit more background....

Tiemans Fusion Coffee was established in the summer of 2008. My husband and his partner shook hands one sunny day on the beach in San Clemente and decided to go forward into business.

My husband's business partner is my husband's cousins husband (follow that??!). In a nutshell, he's family. We spent every Saturday night together attending church and dinner afterward. They joined our church small group and were at our home every Wed. night.

The point I'm making is, our relationship was not only based on a social one because we are family, but we were also rooted in the same christian principals and values....

Or so we thought....

2009.... Continued....

February continued with more crappiness...

After I returned from Colorado, and while I was still struggling with significant amounts of emotions, we received a phone call from the bank regarding our business account. It was overdrawn almost ten thousand dollars!

As a reminder, my husband and his partner had started a coffee business in 2008. My husband had fiduciary control, the only one with a check book and debit card.

Of course my husband called David Tieman immediately to find out what could possibly be going on. David Tieman played stupid, stating he would "immediately" run to the bank to get a current statement and then "be right over". He said this for four days. My husband finally went to the bank himself and found out the truth we suspected all along, without our knowledge his partner ordered checks and a card from the bank and paid all his personal bills out of the company account for the month of February.

In a nutshell, he had two weeks to replace the money into the bank but, unfortunately for us, he was not able to do so. We had to borrow the money from my parents to prevent the bank from closing our account and going forward with legal action.

I am forty three years old, can I tell you how much it sucked to go to my parents asking for money? And to be told by your partner, there was nothing wrong with what he did, he had to pay his bills!! I tell my children all the time, if you have to hide it, IT'S WRONG, plain and simple.

At that point, we should have taking a long hard look at the situation and looked for an exit strategy, but we were too emotionally and financially invested to see the true character of who we were in business with.

To be continued....

2009....

Last year was just plain crappy.... It all began in February....

My two best friends in the whole world, Steve and Cindy moved from California to Colorado five years ago. My relationship with them began with Steve.

I met Steve when I was 18 years old working in corporate America, he was a vendor and I coordinated his work. We clicked and became fast "work" friends. He married Cindy and she ended up getting a job in the department I worked in , we became close friends right away. Our work relationship soon became a personal relationship as Cindy and I quickly became best friends.

I ended up leaving that job and actually went to work for Steve. I was his right hand "wo"man for 14 years. Steve sold his business and they moved to Colorado. That was one of the saddest days of my life, watching my friends who I spent so much time with, pull away to begin a new life so far away.

We have spent two to three weeks together every summer since they've moved - Colorado has become our second home.

So, that brings us to February 13th, 2009, when I received a phone call that spun my world. My friend, whom I loved so much, had taken his life. The day before Valentines day, my friend chose to leave his wife and daughter.

I flew out to Colorado as quickly as I could and I spent the following week assisting my girlfriend with all that needed to be handled. Making arrangements to have a body dealt with and death certificates issued is tragic, but under these circumstances it was just plain wrong....

It's been almost a year now and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Steve, be it a good thought or an angry one. I don't know that I will ever forgive him for being so selfish, for leaving his wife and child, his family, his friends...

I miss my friend....

Oh The Truth Hurts.....

Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into it.
I was into it all night.

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess....
While I sit here on my hiney.

Just Want To Share.....

I get bored easily, and I can guarantee you my background will change often. I came across this website, so cool, thought I'd share.....

http://template-mama-freebloggertemplates.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Happy New Year!!

Were you wondering if I ever came back from Palm Springs???!!! Believe me, with the year I've had, I thought about going and never coming back!!

This year is going to be better, it just has to be. Over the next few days, or weeks, or whenever I have the time to sit and put my thoughts down, I'll share with you my experiences. For right now I'll simply state, "I'm Back" and we'll see where it takes us.

To the many blogs I've followed, thank you for keeping me in the loop with your lives. I've been entertained and inspired - I've cried a little and laughed a lot!

I started this year out with a ten mile run, which was a big surprise to me that I could even do! I've done nothing more then six miles on the "mill" at the gym, so doing ten, averaging a 9.09 pace was a great way to start out the year. Not to mention I ran with one of my best girlie friends and we were able to get a lot of our words out (well, in all honesty, she got her words out, I managed a few "uh huhs" in between heavy gasps for air!!)

So, here's to a much better 2010 then 2009 was, and catching you guys up on the happenings in my life.....