Best Intentions....

Ok, so we all know I resolved myself to live on the right side of the comma. So how am I doing?

Not so good....

I've taken such a dive that not only am I living on the wrong side of the comma, I'm not even on the page any longer. I REALLY want to pull myself up by my boot straps (ok, in my reality it would be flip flop straps) but my "friend" - aka fear - just wont leave town. It seems to have taken up residency and is refusing to be evicted. It has staked its claim in my life and wont budge. It's simply refusing my one way ticket to anywhere but my life....

I know God tells me not to fear. I have a big sign posted on my board in front of my computer that states "don't be afraid, just believe..." I know that if God is for me, who can be against me. The bible tells me not to lose heart. That these are only momentary troubles. That God will never abandon me. He will never forsake me. He will keep me safe. That He is close by my side...

But truth be told, I just don't FEEL it - I KNOW it, it's in the bible and I BELIEVE it, but I just don't feel it....

I'm disappointed in myself that I can't manage to have an unwavering faith - all has started to fall apart, and so have I. Actually, everything has been unraveling for a while, and I have been dealing with it by living in the life of pretend. I've been pretending everythings ok (God will provide), pretending I'm not bitter and angry (God is close to the broken hearted), pretending to believe God is in control (the Lord has his way - He directs our steps), pretending to believe it's all going to work out (God works all things for good) - I've been trying to "fake it till you make it"....

But the damn has broken, I can't fake it anymore, I can't pretend I believe it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe God and His Holy word, but I'm really finding them hard to grasp as truth for my life at the moment. I've prayed, I've begged, I've pleaded - for help, wisdom, guidance - deliverance - from this trial that just keeps going and I end every day beaten down, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and oh so fearful.

Thankfully the bible states if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains because I have one hell of a mountain to move and very little faith to do it with. I will not stop trying to get fear out of my life. I know in my heart it's Satan dancing on every vulnerable emotional string I have - playing this sad little tune of how God has tossed me aside and that my family's life is headed to utter destruction. I know my God is bigger then my problems, in a breath he can change all things and create miracles to make everything better, but Satan keeps whispering "then why hasn't he?" and I keep asking the same.

I MUST figure out how to get rid of the fear...

What Side of The Comma....

Do you live on?

This is the question our Pastor asked us last night... And admittedly, I've been living on the wrong side for way too long...

The verse he was basing this question on is 2Corthinthians 4:8-9

"We are hard pressed, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."

The left side of the comma is living a life of fear, the right side, a life of trust....

Fear has been my constant friend for months, and unfortunately I've allowed that "friend" to overtake my life. I have given it full reign to control my thoughts and emotions as it desires. I start each day with good intentions, praying to be filled with the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) only to allow a phone call, or a bill, or even someone else's good fortune to quickly squash any hope of a positive day and instantly send me into the swirling emotions of anger, bitterness and hopelessness.

Last night we were given a few definitions of the word trust, one of them being "to lean the weight of your soul on the faithfulness, reliability, integrity or friendship of another person." This says it all, why I am so bitter. We leaned not only the weight of our soul, but everything we own, against someone we thought was trustworthy. We were lied to, we were cheated, we were plotted against - we were betrayed... I want to justify the bitterness by claiming it comes from a "righteous" anger - don't I have every right to be angry and pray for the destruction of my enemies as David did all through the book of Psalms?

But....

I know that God tells me to let it go... to trust Him... He has a plan, one that I can't even comprehend right now... I put my trust at one time in the wrong person, now I need to trust in the ONLY person trustworthy...

So, as I said, I have been living on the fear side of the comma - every day I feel hard pressed, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. Financially we are in a place I never in a million years would have EVER thought we'd be in, but I'm finished, I'm done, I will not live on this side any longer...

We are not crushed
God WILL use ALL things for good (Romans 8:28)
We are not in despair
"In God I trust, I will not be afraid" Psalm 56:11
We are not abandoned
"Don't be afraid or discourage, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." 1chronicles 28:20
We are not destroyed
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

THIS is the side of the comma I will choose to live on - the trust side... Admittedly, there will be days this wont be easy to do, but I will hold on to the promises of the bible. I will lean the weight of my soul on the Lord, knowing full well I can rely on His faithfulness, reliability, integrity, friendship....

"In you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed" Psalm 57:1