I often wonder why I can't be comfortable in my own skin.....
I mean, I like who I am on the inside.....
But, why is it my perception of the outside can be so off????
I feel really uncomfortable giving actual numbers, but, I'm going to do so just to confirm how crazy I am...
In high school I was small, probably around the 110 range. Once I entered the work place my weight slowly crept up to about 120/125, but it was fairly easy to maintain that weight. At one point in my mid twenties, and in a very unhappy relationship, my weight reached 160. I went on Nutri Systems and quickly took it off. I then maintained 120 until after my second child. After Emma was born I ate because I was so overwhelmed with two kids 18 months apart. For about five years I probably wieghed about 140. Then I started running and the weight came off. Again, It became easy to maintain a weight somewhere in the 120/125 range. Since February, when my life flipped a bit around with the death of my friend and the stress of our business, my weight has dropped to the 114 range....
Here is the point to all this.... I still view my body as if I weigh so much more then I do. I'm wearing a size that I've always said "Of course that's cute, anything that size is cute"... and yet I can't really "SEE" myself at this weight/size. My minds eye still see's whatever the heck it sees... It's crazy - I know. I could never be anorexic because I love to eat too much, but I do see how they can get such a warped sense of self image. I'm sure if I lost another five pounds, I'd still see myself the same way....
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Wow...I totally understand how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI was bulimic in my teens...and deal with the consequences of it every day of my life now. I get to take tummy meds for the rest of my days. It's great, I tell ya. If I had only known.
But the perception thing is spot on. My problem is that I was always heavy. When I decided to do something about it, it was the wrong thing. I was young and stupid...and like I said, now I pay the price for it. After having two kiddos, I no longer look like someone who could have suffered from an eating disorder at one point in her life. However, I still feel like that girl...and I always will. No matter what the scale says...no matter what my husband says...no matter what I WANT to say. Some people don't get that. They think that you are "fishing for compliments" or something? I don't know.
I just wanted you to know that I totally understand...and if you need to talk, I'm here!!! My email addy is on my profile!!!
I just came on to delete this post, was feeling really weird, I don't know, didn't want to offend or whatever, but thank you RG for your comment. I've never had any kind of eating disorder, honestly, I can eat many a man under the table if I want. I love food, can't understand denying myself it, or purging it afterward. Really, thank you for getting "it" whatever "it" is... and thank you for your openness to chat...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you kept the post up. Women's weight tends to reflect their emotional state, and we're so hard on ourselves. I'm learning to let go; I will never be that 21 year old girl again wearing a size 4 miniskirt...but would I really want to be? (Mr. Tattoos is reading over me shoulder, he would like me to find the old minis...not gonna happen.)
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard to get past your own body image, I have always perceived myself as fat, even once at a size 4, I still felt fat. It has been this way since I was a young teen. I still haven't figured out how to change my thinking. I remember skipping lunch all through 4th 5th & 6th grade because of this, & I was a fairly skinny kid!
ReplyDeleteI was always a small, petite child. When weight became an issue (after I quit smoking in my 20's) I had no idea how to deal with it. Like RG I purged (through working out 2-3x daily and laxatives) Boy what a struggle that was to overcome but overcome I did. Just recently I've lost 15 lbs through proper diet and exercise. And guess what...I'm a size 4/6 and still "feel fat"! Why do we do this to ourselves? We're conditioned, in this society, to be "perfect"...look at the magazines and the commercials! You're no success unless you look perfect, drive the perfect car, live in the perfect house, cook the perfect meals, have the perfect children etc. Thanks for a thought provoking post.
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