A Day Not To Remember....

Lock box on, property up for short sale, conversation with kids that we may have to move...

Happy no where to be found today...

I believe God can still pull out a miracle...

I pray He does...

"I Want My Happy Back"....

I happened to hear these words muttered by a reality housewife recently while I was flipping through the channels....

These words hit me to the core...

I want MY happy back....

These past two years have been such a trial. Financially and emotionally. We have drained our long term savings, we are in debt way over our heads and then some, and unless God provides a miracle VERY soon, we'll lose our home. There hasn't been much happiness...

There has been gratitude. Thankfulness for our health, for the way God has provided for our needs through our friends and family. For cars that continue to run even though there are far more miles then should be on them. For our children - they are great kids, get great grades and do very well in their sport of choice. I'm grateful that God provided me a job that creates a small income and works with my kids schedule. Grateful that our marriage is strong despite the stress.

But happiness... that's been elusive... Yes, of course, there have been happy moments, laughter does still exists in our home, but if you were to ask me to describe myself, happy would not be included. It use to be and I believe one day it will again, but for the last two years my happy has been missing. 

I know that someday we will finally make it out of this valley God has us traveling through. I struggle, actually I agonize, with the "cost" this journey is causing us, but I know He will bring us out. He gently spoke to me through Deuteronomy 8..... "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness....humbling you and testing you to prove your character and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands" v8:2  I know there is a bigger purpose behind this time of testing. I truly believe He has something beyond what we can conceive at this moment planned for us "He did it so you would never think that it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy" v8:17.

Wealth will not bring back my happy... But having a consistent income to pay off our debts, to not worry about things breaking down, knowing we can pay for the roof over our head, the clothes on our bodies, the food in our pantry.... Having an income to pay for healthy teeth and medical check ups, haircuts and gas in our vehicles. Not having to hear constant heavy sighs or saying my daily prayers fighting back tears....  Happy will creep back in when these things start happening....

And in God's timing, I know they will....

And It Isn't Even January 1st....

Goal setting - it's been the talk of my Pastor of late.

I'm typically not goal orientated. I tend to not think past the current minute, hour, day. Setting goals for the future seems so foreign - but I've decided that I need to start setting them in all areas of my life. I plan to buy a journal and section it out in categories - family, home, personal, spiritual, financial....

I suppose my first goal is to actually go out and get the journal!!!!!

Today, this blog will become my journal page for the first set of goals I'm setting - personal health goals.

For the last two years I have been in the best shape I have ever been in. I had joined a gym and four to five mornings a week I worked out. I took two spin classes and three body sculpting classes a week and could actually see muscle definition in my shoulders, back, arms and legs. I felt powerful, in control of my body, and healthy both physically and mentally.

Then two months ago everything changed...

Because of the financial situation we are in, I could no longer justify not working. God blessed me with a perfect part time job that allows me to see my kids off in the morning, and be here when they get home from school. This change took away my morning work out routine, and for the past two months I have done nothing.

Physically and mentally it's starting to take its toll....

So, starting tomorrow (of course tomorrow, you never start the day you decide!!!), here are the changes I plan to make in my life...

1. Eat some sort of breakfast. I never do this. My morning meal is coffee, which typically sustains me till about 1:00, when I eat lunch. But when 3:00 hits, I start grazing until dinner, and I want to stop that. I know if I fuel my body in the morning and afternoon I can control this.

2. Start exercising again. I want to get back to at least four days a week doing at least a half hour cardio and some strength training. I have not canceled my gym membership yet - I either need to use it or lose it. There really is no reason I can't exercise outside and use my hand weights.

3. Think about everything I put into my mouth. The past week I've been downing way too many carbs and sugars. Some of this has been hormonal eating, but it's also been emotional eating. I've been having a pity party with chips and ice cream!!

4. Drink more water. I'm horrible at this and my body often reminds me of how dehydrated I am with painful leg cramps!

5. Eat more veggies. More specifically salads. I love salads, but I hate making them. I want to try and have some sort of salad, even be it a simple greens only, every night with our meal.

6. Focus on making all these changes because it's better for me, not because I want to look better. I know the better I take care of my body, the better it will be to me.

I need to figure out what I can eat for breakfast that's fast and needs minimal prep time - this goal will be my toughest. Any suggestions is well appreciated!!!!!

Wasn't It Enough....

The cross....

Jesus died upon it...

He took the weight of our sins upon himself, became the last sacrificial offering and tore the curtain that once separated us from the Holiness of God.

I have always gazed upon the cross and visualized Jesus suffering from my sins - until last night, when He helped me to see the cross in a new way.

For way too long I've been in a wrestling match with God. I know God desires for me to put the past and all it entails emotionally, financially, relationally behind me. To forgive, move forwarded and allow Him to deal how He desires with all involved. I know He wants me to "nail it to the cross" and be done with it. But me in all my human nature finds ever reason why I should hang on to the bitterness, the anger, the hurt. I can easily find scripture to justify my feelings and desires. But....

Scripture also tells me to forgive....

Holding on to this unwillingness to forgive is a sin. So, I battle with Christ. I use the argument of - you do not forgive us till we ask for forgiveness, confessing our sin. Why should I forgive others who are not willing to confess, nor even think their actions are in need of forgiveness?

Well.... 

I'm suppose to because you tell us to. 

Ah shucks....

So back to the cross. Yes, He suffered from my sins while He was nailed to that cross. I know and I confess that I am wrong in holding on to this sin that doesn't allow me to forgive. I pray daily to lose the foothold that evil has in my life where this situation is concerned. And truth be told I have often been frustrated with God that he doesn't just remove it from my emotional tank - because I know with a snap of His finger it wouldn't bother me anymore. But God does things in God's way, and He had been waiting to show me the cross in a new light.

Jesus did not just take the pain of my sins upon himself on the cross, He also took the pain of the sins against me. How wrong am I to justify holding on to the pain to validate the wrongness of the actions, when Jesus suffered from them much more then I ever will. As I beg and plead to have the chains of resentment broken in my life and then turn around to securely grasp them in my hands once more as a memory of the past runs through my thoughts, Jesus must be thinking:

Isn't what I did on the Cross enough?

Wasn't the pain I took on your behalf enough?

Why wont you stare at that cross knowing I took this injustice upon myself  FOR YOU so you wouldn't have to take it upon yourself?

I will never look at the cross in the same way...

My Hats Off To You....

Since I'm quick to point out the negative, let me state a positive....

Those boys at Tieman's finally updated their website. Gone is the "Our Causes" portion (I wrote about that here)...

Gone are bogus addresses and retailers that don't carry their coffee....

My hats off to you for finally updating your site and giving out valid information....

Now, since David stated in an email to my husband recently that, and I quote, "money has been just enough that I'm not filling out job applications yet" - wouldn't it be nice if he actually used some of that money towards paying off the buy out for the company that's paying his bills, as well as other financial obligations to vendors we get letters from?

Oh what a happy day that would be for many...

My Theme Song For The Moment....

Overwhelmed....

Simply....

Completely....

Overwhelmed....