Wasn't It Enough....

The cross....

Jesus died upon it...

He took the weight of our sins upon himself, became the last sacrificial offering and tore the curtain that once separated us from the Holiness of God.

I have always gazed upon the cross and visualized Jesus suffering from my sins - until last night, when He helped me to see the cross in a new way.

For way too long I've been in a wrestling match with God. I know God desires for me to put the past and all it entails emotionally, financially, relationally behind me. To forgive, move forwarded and allow Him to deal how He desires with all involved. I know He wants me to "nail it to the cross" and be done with it. But me in all my human nature finds ever reason why I should hang on to the bitterness, the anger, the hurt. I can easily find scripture to justify my feelings and desires. But....

Scripture also tells me to forgive....

Holding on to this unwillingness to forgive is a sin. So, I battle with Christ. I use the argument of - you do not forgive us till we ask for forgiveness, confessing our sin. Why should I forgive others who are not willing to confess, nor even think their actions are in need of forgiveness?

Well.... 

I'm suppose to because you tell us to. 

Ah shucks....

So back to the cross. Yes, He suffered from my sins while He was nailed to that cross. I know and I confess that I am wrong in holding on to this sin that doesn't allow me to forgive. I pray daily to lose the foothold that evil has in my life where this situation is concerned. And truth be told I have often been frustrated with God that he doesn't just remove it from my emotional tank - because I know with a snap of His finger it wouldn't bother me anymore. But God does things in God's way, and He had been waiting to show me the cross in a new light.

Jesus did not just take the pain of my sins upon himself on the cross, He also took the pain of the sins against me. How wrong am I to justify holding on to the pain to validate the wrongness of the actions, when Jesus suffered from them much more then I ever will. As I beg and plead to have the chains of resentment broken in my life and then turn around to securely grasp them in my hands once more as a memory of the past runs through my thoughts, Jesus must be thinking:

Isn't what I did on the Cross enough?

Wasn't the pain I took on your behalf enough?

Why wont you stare at that cross knowing I took this injustice upon myself  FOR YOU so you wouldn't have to take it upon yourself?

I will never look at the cross in the same way...

My Hats Off To You....

Since I'm quick to point out the negative, let me state a positive....

Those boys at Tieman's finally updated their website. Gone is the "Our Causes" portion (I wrote about that here)...

Gone are bogus addresses and retailers that don't carry their coffee....

My hats off to you for finally updating your site and giving out valid information....

Now, since David stated in an email to my husband recently that, and I quote, "money has been just enough that I'm not filling out job applications yet" - wouldn't it be nice if he actually used some of that money towards paying off the buy out for the company that's paying his bills, as well as other financial obligations to vendors we get letters from?

Oh what a happy day that would be for many...

My Theme Song For The Moment....

Overwhelmed....

Simply....

Completely....

Overwhelmed....

Just What Can He Be Planning....

I really don't know how God will use all this for good....

But He does promise to do so...

Best Intentions....

Ok, so we all know I resolved myself to live on the right side of the comma. So how am I doing?

Not so good....

I've taken such a dive that not only am I living on the wrong side of the comma, I'm not even on the page any longer. I REALLY want to pull myself up by my boot straps (ok, in my reality it would be flip flop straps) but my "friend" - aka fear - just wont leave town. It seems to have taken up residency and is refusing to be evicted. It has staked its claim in my life and wont budge. It's simply refusing my one way ticket to anywhere but my life....

I know God tells me not to fear. I have a big sign posted on my board in front of my computer that states "don't be afraid, just believe..." I know that if God is for me, who can be against me. The bible tells me not to lose heart. That these are only momentary troubles. That God will never abandon me. He will never forsake me. He will keep me safe. That He is close by my side...

But truth be told, I just don't FEEL it - I KNOW it, it's in the bible and I BELIEVE it, but I just don't feel it....

I'm disappointed in myself that I can't manage to have an unwavering faith - all has started to fall apart, and so have I. Actually, everything has been unraveling for a while, and I have been dealing with it by living in the life of pretend. I've been pretending everythings ok (God will provide), pretending I'm not bitter and angry (God is close to the broken hearted), pretending to believe God is in control (the Lord has his way - He directs our steps), pretending to believe it's all going to work out (God works all things for good) - I've been trying to "fake it till you make it"....

But the damn has broken, I can't fake it anymore, I can't pretend I believe it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe God and His Holy word, but I'm really finding them hard to grasp as truth for my life at the moment. I've prayed, I've begged, I've pleaded - for help, wisdom, guidance - deliverance - from this trial that just keeps going and I end every day beaten down, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and oh so fearful.

Thankfully the bible states if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains because I have one hell of a mountain to move and very little faith to do it with. I will not stop trying to get fear out of my life. I know in my heart it's Satan dancing on every vulnerable emotional string I have - playing this sad little tune of how God has tossed me aside and that my family's life is headed to utter destruction. I know my God is bigger then my problems, in a breath he can change all things and create miracles to make everything better, but Satan keeps whispering "then why hasn't he?" and I keep asking the same.

I MUST figure out how to get rid of the fear...

What Side of The Comma....

Do you live on?

This is the question our Pastor asked us last night... And admittedly, I've been living on the wrong side for way too long...

The verse he was basing this question on is 2Corthinthians 4:8-9

"We are hard pressed, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."

The left side of the comma is living a life of fear, the right side, a life of trust....

Fear has been my constant friend for months, and unfortunately I've allowed that "friend" to overtake my life. I have given it full reign to control my thoughts and emotions as it desires. I start each day with good intentions, praying to be filled with the Fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control) only to allow a phone call, or a bill, or even someone else's good fortune to quickly squash any hope of a positive day and instantly send me into the swirling emotions of anger, bitterness and hopelessness.

Last night we were given a few definitions of the word trust, one of them being "to lean the weight of your soul on the faithfulness, reliability, integrity or friendship of another person." This says it all, why I am so bitter. We leaned not only the weight of our soul, but everything we own, against someone we thought was trustworthy. We were lied to, we were cheated, we were plotted against - we were betrayed... I want to justify the bitterness by claiming it comes from a "righteous" anger - don't I have every right to be angry and pray for the destruction of my enemies as David did all through the book of Psalms?

But....

I know that God tells me to let it go... to trust Him... He has a plan, one that I can't even comprehend right now... I put my trust at one time in the wrong person, now I need to trust in the ONLY person trustworthy...

So, as I said, I have been living on the fear side of the comma - every day I feel hard pressed, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. Financially we are in a place I never in a million years would have EVER thought we'd be in, but I'm finished, I'm done, I will not live on this side any longer...

We are not crushed
God WILL use ALL things for good (Romans 8:28)
We are not in despair
"In God I trust, I will not be afraid" Psalm 56:11
We are not abandoned
"Don't be afraid or discourage, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." 1chronicles 28:20
We are not destroyed
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

THIS is the side of the comma I will choose to live on - the trust side... Admittedly, there will be days this wont be easy to do, but I will hold on to the promises of the bible. I will lean the weight of my soul on the Lord, knowing full well I can rely on His faithfulness, reliability, integrity, friendship....

"In you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed" Psalm 57:1