Best Intentions....

Ok, so we all know I resolved myself to live on the right side of the comma. So how am I doing?

Not so good....

I've taken such a dive that not only am I living on the wrong side of the comma, I'm not even on the page any longer. I REALLY want to pull myself up by my boot straps (ok, in my reality it would be flip flop straps) but my "friend" - aka fear - just wont leave town. It seems to have taken up residency and is refusing to be evicted. It has staked its claim in my life and wont budge. It's simply refusing my one way ticket to anywhere but my life....

I know God tells me not to fear. I have a big sign posted on my board in front of my computer that states "don't be afraid, just believe..." I know that if God is for me, who can be against me. The bible tells me not to lose heart. That these are only momentary troubles. That God will never abandon me. He will never forsake me. He will keep me safe. That He is close by my side...

But truth be told, I just don't FEEL it - I KNOW it, it's in the bible and I BELIEVE it, but I just don't feel it....

I'm disappointed in myself that I can't manage to have an unwavering faith - all has started to fall apart, and so have I. Actually, everything has been unraveling for a while, and I have been dealing with it by living in the life of pretend. I've been pretending everythings ok (God will provide), pretending I'm not bitter and angry (God is close to the broken hearted), pretending to believe God is in control (the Lord has his way - He directs our steps), pretending to believe it's all going to work out (God works all things for good) - I've been trying to "fake it till you make it"....

But the damn has broken, I can't fake it anymore, I can't pretend I believe it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe God and His Holy word, but I'm really finding them hard to grasp as truth for my life at the moment. I've prayed, I've begged, I've pleaded - for help, wisdom, guidance - deliverance - from this trial that just keeps going and I end every day beaten down, disappointed, frustrated, bitter and oh so fearful.

Thankfully the bible states if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can move mountains because I have one hell of a mountain to move and very little faith to do it with. I will not stop trying to get fear out of my life. I know in my heart it's Satan dancing on every vulnerable emotional string I have - playing this sad little tune of how God has tossed me aside and that my family's life is headed to utter destruction. I know my God is bigger then my problems, in a breath he can change all things and create miracles to make everything better, but Satan keeps whispering "then why hasn't he?" and I keep asking the same.

I MUST figure out how to get rid of the fear...